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Well, it has been a while since I've updated.

I seem to be doing my periodic undulation, only this time back to faith. More or less. I think I've figured it out. So long as I keep faith at arm's length, so long as I don't attempt to make it the pivot around which my life revolves, I'll be fine. If I keep it academic, in my head, something I think about but do not obsess about, I'll be fine. If I let it in too deep, then I'll get ill again, as I always have done before. And I am just so tired of being ill, and so pleased about how well I have been lately. I have, overall, been almost back to normal, generally fine with a few blips of depression or..the other, but otherwise great. So, I just have to figure out how to keep it at arm's length.

On another note, I am going to start a course this year, do an access course in medical science, and then go back to university again and do a three year degree to become a radiographer. Those are the folk who do the x-rays, among other things.

If I have one piece of advice to anyone, it is this: do not study theology/divinity unless you intend going into the church it is worse than useless everywhere else.

I have stopped seeing my psychiatrist - I mean she's signed me off. I have to take my medication for an indefinite period which I'm not too happy about but I can live with, but I don't have to trek along to the hospital to see her. I had my head scanned twice and apparently my brain is fine, my liver works well and I don't have a thyroid problem. So it is entirely mental illness, which i'm not sure is good but hey.

And...I've decided to restart the essays. Only this time not on HolyFool, but somewhere else. Probably on Diaryland but as I haven't written any yet I can't give the address. The problem with HF was that I started self-censoring, worried about how the people I liked on Diaryland would react. Frankly I know that my very liberal-but-influenced-by-the-evangelicals stance on Christian theology would not be welcomed by many. How many would send me hatemail if I mentioned that I happen to be in favour of gay Christians? Or women ministers? Or that I happen to be pro-choice? I don't want to self-censor anymore, and I do want to be able to ask the hard questions and say the things that maybe aren't so agreeable, even to myself. So this new diary will be like that. Once I've got it started, that is. I'm guessing the people I like - those on my buddylist, well they're going to know whose diary it is once it starts as I shall be putting them on the buddylist there too. What they make of it, is anyone's guess. Haha.

So, away I go, but I will try to update this every so often, that is if anyone aside from myself ever reads it!

posted 2004-08-27

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